Ok so we left you off at the line-hop rule. Here are the final five rules that will get you through a buffet safe and jam packed with the good stuff.
Mikey’s Buffet Rules 5-1
5 – If it is not a seafood buffet, avoid the seafood. This is a tricky rule. Seafood, itself, requires you to know what kind of place you’re eating at. I generally try to avoid seafood unless it is a seafood specific fiesta. If it’s mostly red meat and then, off in a corner, there is some shrimp and maybe some crab or shredded crab salad, I will avoid it. I don’t trust shrimp or crab that is hanging out with the red meat. I don’t feel like all the care in the world is being put into the two seafood dishes. During a seafood buffet, you can feel safe ’cause they are working the ocean zone so everything is scrubbed and cleaned and prepared.
4 – If you don’t know what it is, and everyone seems to be avoiding it, do the same. There is a reason there is a big pile of whatever it is. This country was built on suspicion and distrust. Don’t mock what your country’s foundation is. Pass up that pile of what could be meat or cake.
Besides I went to an Indian food buffet once and was the only one to get some of this green stuff everyone was avoiding. To make a long story short, I was able to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica in the bathroom.
3 – Do I need to finish my plate before I go back for more? Hell no! How often do you grab some salad that looked great, but tasted like a burnt pencil eraser? Yeah I know you feel a little guilty about leaving un-eaten food on a plate. The key is to get up and push your plate to the left where someone else in your party is sitting. If they are gone then just put it on their plate.
2 – Don’t take fruit for a desert and punch anyone else who does in the neck. At a buffet it’s your job to try every type of desert they have. This is the one time you break rule 4 and you try stuff you don’t recognize. Get the green pudding in the paper with the jelly bean on top. If it sucks, no harm done, try something else. If someone at your table is getting up, tell them to get you anything you might have missed. Every desert needs to be tried. If they only have soft serve and jello, then find the manager and punch him in the sternum.
1 – The last and final rule is if someone in your party makes some crack about having to loosen their belt, or needing to take a nap, you punch them in the gut or slap them with a piece of prime rib you didn’t finish. All buffet jokes must be original and funny or you get stabbed with a corn cob.
Put these rules into effect immediately. They will make your buffet experience more pleasurable and more exciting. Keep in mind that it’s all you can eat. If you see someone only go up twice, let them know they need to step it up or you’re going to make them throw it all up and start over.