The 70’s brought us many wonderful things: Star Wars, shag carpet, the Bee Gee’s, the Brady Bunch, and most important his royal largeness Mikey. Delivered to us in the middle of the night on a bed of twinkies from the gods of cakes and pies.
Mikey has been a Ventura County resident for close to 16 years now. He took an oath to bring down the establishment, fight the power, and deliver man-kind from evil. He put that all on hold for awhile though, in order to bring you the best in food reviews from all around California and especially Ventura County.
Now you’re asking yourself, “Is he qualified to bring me the best in food reviews?”
The answer is of course he is! Look at him. He’s huge! The boy can eat. Plus, he has spent some years as a pizza chef, prep cook, server, host, and pie cook right here in Ventura. I’ve had a few of his dishes and he is most certainly a master of red meat, a jedi with potatoes and he bakes a mean pie too.
10 Urban Legends Surrounding the Mysterious Mikey
Can you seperate the truth from the bald faced lies?
1. Mikey once had to help a hippo pass a strawberry twizzlers at the San Diego Zoo.
2. Mikey’s only weakness is flying monkeys.
3. Mikey can drink 3 times as much beer as mortal men because he has 3 livers.
4. Mikey and Al Gore came up with the internet while doing body shots off Gina Gershon.
5. Mikey once escaped from an island by shaving “help me” into his back hair using a shell and coconut oil.
6. Mikey invented the purple horseshoes in Lucky Charms.
7. Mikey was actually the first man to walk the surface of Mars and reported that it’s kind of humid, like Bakersfield.
8. Mikey once told Sammy Hagar he could drive 55 if he would just believe in himself.
9. Mikey has been told by 14 separate Chinese restaurant owners that “he could not sleep here!”
10. Mikey has a third nipple that is actually a portal into an alternate universe where Carrot Top is funny.
Mikeys 10 myths about fat guys
- Fat guys will eat anything. Untrue – we hate this myth, fat guys only consume those things that make them feel sexy. For example, fat guys do not eat cow tongue cause theres nothing sexy about cow tongue.
- Fat guys don’t like vegatables. Untrue – Fat guys like anything that can be covered in cheese. Vegatables can certainly be cheesified.
- Fat guys are not allowed in Chinese Buffets. Untrue – Fat guys receive gold lettered invitations to buffets ‘cuz nobody makes a buffet look better than a fat guy.
- A fat guy killed JFK. Untrue – This was a conspiracy theory created by Jenny Craig.
- Fat guys are horrible lovers. Untrue – We love our women like we love a good lasagna. Every kiss is long, passionate, and sensual. Just like every bite is passionate, sensual, and cheesy.
- Fat guys are not romantic. Untrue – A Fat guy will cook you a romantic dinner with dessert, and will listen to you talk about your day while he eats.
- Fat guys have low self esteem. Untrue – We are large and in charge!
- Fat guys can’t rate food. They eat massive amounts too fast. Untrue – Fat guys have an exceptional pallet that enables them to seperate each morsel almost surgically and examine each one, along with 40 different flavor combinations, making them the best food critics.
- Fat guys are not fat they are just big boned. Untrue – If bones were that big we would be building shit with them. Nope it’s actually all specially designed muscle. Just like the great white shark the fat guy is geneticly engineered to hunt and devour its prey.
- Skinny people secretley wish they could be fat. I tried my hardest to debunk this myth but after several polls, scientific tests with beakers, electricity, and a really angry midget, I found this to be in fact true.