Is it really chicken?

by Mikey

I want you guys out there to understand how much I love you. You need to comprehend the level I would go to in order to make sure your taste buds, stomachs and bowels are kept safe. I took a bullet for you today, a bullet I feel I will be paying for at least another few hours and maybe even into the early morning.

I was out getting a few parts for my busted sink and started to get pretty hungry, I still have many local restaurants on my list to review, but didn’t really have the time, so I found myself in that place we all find ourselves in on the road.  Yes, my friends, I needed fast food.


Across from where I get my Mr.-Fix-It items, there it is shining in the afternoon sun, one of the princes battling for fast food supremacy, the almighty Taco Bell. I have had Taco Bell a hundred times of course, as I’m sure you have too.  The majority of the time it’s one in the morning and I just got done drinking a fifth of jack, molesting waitresses, punching my friends in the neck and then hugging them to tell them I love them. For the most part I like Taco Bell. The tacos are ok, burritos are good for the price, hell you can buy half the menu for a 20.  But this time I was after something new, something that has been all over TV and in every taco bell window: the Spicy chicken enchilada platter.


This is basically a full Taco Bell dinner in a nice plastic compartmental condo. Your rice is good neighbors with your beans, which are both next door to the salsa, which is slowly being overrun by chips.  Yet another plastic compartment, that you can actually separate from the rest, contains the enchiladas.  Because apparently enchiladas are too good to mix with the chips and the oh-so-common beans and rice. I took a nice picture of it for you below.


Forgive me stomach for I have sinned

Forgive me stomach for I have sinned


Let us begin with the absolute waste of plastic. This thing has a huge ass lid that could double as a tray on its own. The spacing is enormous, I guess to make sure nothing touches. Apparently there is a much larger issue in society with food touching then I ever imagined. I always thought it was LL Cool J’s problem. (Obscure reference from the movie Toys. If you knew it 20 points for you, if not then rent it, its one of my favorite scenes.)


The rice is fine, its typical fast food rice, they have it colored for you to give it a Latin flair but its just ordinary flavorless rice. The beans are covered in cheese and are actually ok when combined with the stale chips. The salsa you can skip altogether, it’s a disaster, they should just give you more red sauce, their attempt at salsa makes pace picante look like the Zeus of the salsa world.


All of these pale in comparison with the slightly heated, shredded, saucy, cheesy, mess they call enchiladas. My main complaint is that they say they are spicy, in order for something to be spicy it needs to register more than one flavor and some of those flavors need to contain spice. These enchiladas have one spice, salt. It was like eating two shredded salt licks, in tortillas, covered in red sauce and cheese, with a hint of sour cream. The salt was incredible, and I gotta say that I question if it’s actually chicken in the enchiladas.  It sure didn’t look like chicken, and didn’t taste like chicken either. I only managed to eat one enchilada and after eating it I began questioning life and my place in the universe. Even as I type this article out, my friends, I feel the stomach trap door opening, the little men inside are heating the contents to 1000 degrees for its departure and your author will be in for a very long night.


Now I know what you’re saying, “Mikey its taco bell, what did you expect?”


If I had paid 99 cents I would not care, but this pile of cheesy, saucy, salted chicken miscellaneous is 4.99. Which brings it into the range of us here at EatmeCalifornia.


Now, my friends, I need you to join me in telling taco bell, that we won’t stand for salty mystery meat, we won’t stand for this huge waste of plastic, and we won’t stand for food seperatization and segregation. Boycott this dish my friends, and tell them to bring back the choco taco!



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Filed under Everywhere, Oxnard, Ventura, Ventura County

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