Kitchen Nightmares – Oceana in New Orleans

Here we are at the season finale of Kitchen Nightmares which of course for me is a bummer because I love this show and EMC are huge fans of Gordon Ramsey. Luckily though we go from Kitchen Nightmares right into Master Chef. We did not get a chance to review the first season of Master Chef last year so I’m looking forward to it this year. In addition I have a few more episodes of Kitchen Nightmares to throw on here as my dvr had mono for a couple weeks and did not record some of my shows. Grab a beer and your favorite crawdad and lets head to New Orleans to Oceana.

Oceana – New Orleans

Last week was twins, this week we got just plain brothers. Don’t worry folks these brothers are not only brining back the George Michael stubble look but they are also crazier than our main man Charlie Sheen. Sorry Charlie we had to throw you in the mix at some point. We also have a red cheeked angry head chef thrown into the mix creating a wonderful red cheeked, gold chained, stubbly, greasy haired anger tornado. Good luck Gordon!

The Ocean located on Bourbon St making it prime stop for tourist and locals. Owned by brothers Moe and Rami who bought it from their father they spend wonderful New Orleans afternoons yelling at each other, the staff, the tourists, the dogs, the Levies, the street lamps, and the food. I seriously can’t understand how they have a staff. There has got to be a better job than this place. I’d rather be a Wall mart greeter. I’d rather be in a Nicolas Cage movie. Hell, I’d rather be the guy who hoses down the streets after Mardi Gras than work for these guys. What’s really great is that the only things that aren’t angry in this place are the cock roaches and the rats that are living off the fact these guys can’t clean to save there angry lives.

Right when Gordon gets there we know he’s in trouble. Brother Mo insists that Gordon says New Orleans correctly as Na lens. At least that’s how it sounded to me. Gordon’s frustration forehead wrinkle starts to show immediately. For those of you who don’t know Gordon the frustration forehead wrinkle is the third one down from the hair line. According to Moe people will make fun of you for saying it wrong so he had to as he says it, “edeiocate” Gordon.

I started cracking up when Gordon looks through the menu its full of pictures of people that Moe and Rami have fired, then we learn that Nell the server has been fired 4 times! That’s awesome. These guys are obvious professionals.

Gordon orders the seafood gumbo, the blackened bayou duck, and the crab cake platter. Immediately Damon the executive chef takes control of the kitchen and cooks up what I’m sure will be a lunch to remember.

The seafood gumbo comes out first and we have our first strike as Gordon simply tells us it’s disgusting, it tastes old, and is an embarrassment. On the bright side it looked like the bottom of a toilet bowl after a frat house party. Executive Chef Damon (just as a side note I had a really hard time saying Executive chef) tasted the gumbo and found there to be no issues as did brother Moe. Moe goes on to dazzle us by saying he does not think Gordon knows anything about Cajun food. that’s kinda like saying Nolan Ryan doesn’t know much about pitching or that John Madden doesn’t know much about football. Crab cakes come in next and Gordon lets us know they are watery and soggy, figuring they had been defrosted rapidly. He sends that back claiming they must be frozen. We top it off with the blackened duck which Gordon describes as tough, and wonders if its been cooked for 5 days. He has Nell taste it and she agrees its tough. Chef Damon who from this point forward will be known as Chef Blinky because he can’t seem to stop blinking and Angry Moe both disagree and say the duck is perfect. Only Rami realizes that the duck has issues and things need to change. Moe then makes a joke about having Chef Ramsey come back there and make a duck dish that he’d call Gordon’s duck then laughs all crazy loud like it’s a funny joke. I’ve heard Rita Rudner tell funnier jokes than this guy. Now we see there are two things he knows nothing about food and comedy.

Moe  actually says he think Chef Ramsey is clueless and dazzles us further with his insight saying that he doesn’t think the British can cook period. Gordon is Scottish Moe read a book!

Gordon meets with the chefs letting them know the truth about the food. As he starts with words like embarrassing, no flavor, and couldn’t be fresh, Chef Blinkys cheeks get redder and his blinky eyes start blinking off the charts.  This becomes great conversation when Gordon asks Damon if the crab cakes are frozen he lies and says no. when Rami says they are and chef Blinky is caught in his lie he gets so uncomfortable its hilarious. It gets even better when Chef Ramsay asks when the duck was cooked none of the chefs know. We all know they know. The blinky, red cheeked, sweaty liar just doesn’t want to tell us.

Moe comes clean and tells us the duck is cooked once a month in some other place and then frozen. Executive Chef Blinky gets angry and actually steps up to Gordon. Rami actually has to push him back and shut him up before he really does something stupid.

We start our first dinner service so Gordon can see how the Kitchen runs. Immediately there are problems as food goes out and comes right back. Chef blinky just spits out constantly with each dish that its not his fault everything taste horrible. Since he’s the executive chef I’m not sure who’s fault it is but at least we know he knows its not his. Gordon meanwhile explores the kitchen and the real fun begins. Finding milky crab, a hot cupboard that’s not hot, spoiling sauce, old shrimp, old pasta, and crawfish from the civil war. As Gordon sets in Executive Chef Damons eyes go absolutely haywire he is blinking and twitching so much I though Gordon was gonna give the guy a stroke. It’s hard to fight with a guy whose face wont stop contorting, its just to damn funny. Executive Chef blinky is sweating like a madman as Gordon pulls out tons of crabs prepped weeks ago, spoiled food, warm soups probably growing bacteria. Thousands of dollars wasted in spoiled food.

Chef Gordon’s discoveries continue as he fights a dead mouse hotel right in the kitchen containing 3 dead bodies. Gordon calls it a night and shuts the place down.  Gordon calls in pest control and moves on to some other areas. We learn then that the kitchen has never been cleaned. Never?

The brothers start to go right after each other blaming each other for the filth. I love listening to people blame other people. It’s almost an art form when someone accepts absolutely no responsible for how things are. Moe finds the staff sitting at a table talking and explodes. This moron throws chairs, kicks tables, and then heads to the bar. The brothers actually calm down and realize they have to let go of Chef Blinky. Brother Moe does his best to let go of Chef blinky very gracefully, and politely. Well not really, he pretty much yells at him then tells him to leave.

Moe lets Gordon know they let go of Chef Blinky and they move on to the menu. We then listen in on a fabulous conversation about how Moe has all the recipes in his head and a refuses to write them down because he doesn’t want anyone to steal them. Gordon wants to know if this idiot is for real and unfortunately Gordon he is. The kitchen has no recipes to follow cause they are all in this guys head. It’s almost like a Seinfeld episode. Gordon goes into this intense speech that not only knocks him off his high horse but actually shuts him up too. Moe learns very quickly that you do not mess with Da Man!

These brothers are a complete crack up. One they keep calling Gordon British, two after being called a busy idiot these guys analyze what the meaning could be. Rami lets Moe know that being called a busy idiot is a compliment. This conversation they have could be in a Tarentino movie its that awesome. Moe finishes the conversation by saying he needs to get a British dictionary. This guys gonna give me a stroke.

Gordon sets in with some new recipes and some big changes and lets Moe know he needs to accept them if he wants to get out of the hole they are in. So Moe kisses the floor and starts convulsing because he so upset his horrible, filthy black hole of a food joint is gonna be changed. Moe’s final statement on the changes is that if he doesn’t like them he’s gonna send Gordon, “back to British with a black eye”.

Gordon and his team, really does a number on the place, new counter tops, clutter removed, lightened up, re painted, and gorgeous. Gordon unveils the new menu, every plate vibrant gorgeous and look absolutely delicious.

Relaunch night begins and Moe is no where to be found. Apparently he was upstairs sleeping, or maybe he was going over his British dictionary. For relaunch Rami runs the pass and Moe is in the front. Though Moe seems to pop up in the Kitchen and Gordon has to send him back out.

Customers are loving the new food, and Moe loves that kitchen cause he’s back in the kitchen again. Moe starts in on food times not realizing he’s now making fresh food made to order. After getting yelled at by Gordon Moe wanders off to take a break. Moe is outside trying to apparently put his head together. Gordon rallies the kitchen and they do Gordon proud by rocking out all the tickets.

You can tell in this episode Gordon has had enough of Moe. Moe is an idiot and a disaster. I feel really bad for Rami. Moe is a weight around his ankle that will probably end up sinking him. Gordon runs from Oceana for his life before Moe lowers his IQ with his stupidity. Run Gordon run!