Deadliest Catch – A slap in the face or a kick in the pants

by Mikey

This week on the DC, we get one of the most interesting episode titles yet.  If you miss it, I think Sig ends up saying it around 5 times.  I once got in a fight with a midget who offered me the same choices.  I went with slap in the face because I figured while he was getting a step ladder to climb up and slap me, I could sneak up behind him and beat him with my wiffle ball bat.  Turned out this midget had hops and just gave me a knock across the jaw.  You live and learn.  On to the catch!

We are at the halfway mark of opi season and that means Mother Nature cranks up the ice and turns up the wave pool.  On the Northwestern, Sig is working on what’s left of the 10K he needs to fill his boat.  He decides that in the middle of the Bering Sea during winter, while trying to fill up his boat, is the best time to quit smoking.  He’s had a few moments of labored breathing and coughing and figures that smoking 12 packs a day has finally caught up with him.  He busts out the nicotine patches and within half an hour is pissed off and grumpy, yelling at everyone else for smoking.  Sig makes it about 3 and a half hours and then lights up.  It was a noble effort, Sig, we applaud you.  Most people can’t quit when they are just sitting at home watching TV.  You, my friend, try during the world’s most dangerous job.  In honor of Sig I want all of you smokers to give it up for 3 hours, but sit in the bathtub while your friend splashes you while smoking.  That’s as close as us common folk can get.


Sig’s decks begin to freeze over as he sits outside of St. Paul waiting to off-load.  The harbor is closed due to ice and he has to wait until he can get through.  He’s now in danger of losing all the crab on his boat as they have been aboard 4 days longer than usual.

On the Time Bandit, Captain Andy is on the crab and needs to retrieve the last of his gear.  He makes the decision to enter the ice pack to retrieve his pots and begins heading through the ice slush.  Thousands of dollars are at stake if you lose your gear to the ice.  Andy needs to retrieve the last of it and off-load his tanks.

We see greenhorn Josh still getting his full share of insults on the Wizard and starting to be more in his rack, than on deck.  I do agree with him on one thing.  The more people rag on me, the slower I go.  I start to get to the point where I want to do the opposite of their request, just to piss them off.  Finally, life coach Captain Keith Colburn steps in and lets Josh know that he’s sucking fumes and needs to improve or choose another line of work.
I’ve always had issues with Captain Keith and I’m not sure why.  I think he reminds me of an old boss I used to have.  Josh seems to pick up the pace after the talk, but we will see if he still in it for the long haul.

The Cornelia Marie is out of the harbor and on a search for their pots. The ice has dragged them miles off course and now it’s more of a scavenger hunt than a gear haul.  On top of that, the deck is freezing over and a lot of time is being spent hammering ice.  This, to me, would be the worst job to have to do for more than twenty minutes.  I think it would be fun at first, just ’cause I like to hit stuff with hammers.  Not for 5 hours though.  Captain Phil thinks he’s being tested by the crab god in the sky.  This kinda threw me a bit because I would think the crab god would be in the ocean.  Unless he’s talking about the crab god that gives you crabs, in which case, I don’t want that God’s attention at all.  He can stay right up there with the god of herpes and hookers.

The coolest part of this episode is when Captain Phil steps out on deck and says that it smells like shit.  Crab shit to be exact.  Then he says there are bubbles in the water, where the crabs are farting from below the depths.  He decides to drop a prospect string on the crab farting coordinates and sure enough pulls out high numbers.  Anyone who can detect a crab farting is tops in my book.

The race is on: The Northwestern is in front, followed by Time Bandit, the Cornelia Marie and brining up the rear is the Wizard.  All hail, Sig!

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