Last of the Great Fat Guys on Hells Kitchen

by Mikey

Hell’s kitchen continued right where we left it last week, with Gordon telling the chefs he’s closing down Hells Kitchen.  We all gasp at this incredible announcement, right? Right? Nope we don’t.  In fact, we are all pretty used to most of the so called huge announcements on this show just being reality one liners.  Yes, he is closing Hells Kitchen, but only so the group can go on a field trip to the Borgata.  It’s a chance to see where only one of them will be a chef and the others will just look in with their face pressed up against the glass.

This am oven for to make fish cook!

This am oven for to make fish cook!

The chefs are all flown to Atlantic City and taken to the Borgata where they are treated to a tour of what will soon be the restaurant.  I’m thinking that unless she gets a job as a cocktail waitress, Andrea wont be back to see it finished.  Ben will be back, but he’ll soon be arrested for stalking the winner. He’ll be locked up and sent to a psychiatric ward mumbling recipes.  The chefs also get a bit of pampering to the tune of a spa treatment and some fun in the pool.

Next, the group is treated to dinner with the heads of the Borgata and during dinner Robert mysteriously disappears.  At first the group is amazed that Robert would leave such an important dinner.  Being a fellow fat man, I knew that look in Roberts eyes so I figured he was having a bit of a chest problem or a high blood pressure issue.  We soon find out that Robert indeed is having some medical issues.  It’s rough out there for a fat man.  We can’t catch too many breaks when we are competing on strenuous, high pressure reality shows.  That’s why we should stick to being football commentators, or restaurant critics.

Now the next part of this I know was designed by producers.  We all wonder if poor Robert is coming back.  Meanwhile, back at Hells Kitchen the chefs are gathered to find out his fate.  Sure enough, here he comes all smiling and happy only to break the news that he’s fat and it’s now affecting his heart.  Why they made the poor man show up, I don’t know.  He should have been able to burn his jacket from his bedroom, safe at home.  I gotta say I was actually pulling for Robert.  I liked the dude.  He was a fun guy and one of those genuinely great people you meet in the world.  The kind you talk to in a bar or at blockbuster that just seem friendly and outgoing.  He taught us that real men use a loofa and that fat people can’t do a lot of things that skinny people can do.  We will miss you Robert.  I sure wish Andrea had gotten jock itch or something to force her to quit.

On we go to the next competition; the chefs must prepare individual dishes for the Borate. They all create their dishes for Gordon to scrutinize and we all get surprised by the results.  Andrea wins it.  I am kinda with the other chefs on this one.  I don’t think she really cooked anything and that may be why she actually had a good dish.  Everyone watching this show knows that her ass was saved by winning this, which makes me wonder if they did it all on purpose knowing that with Roberts exit they wouldn’t have to kick anyone off and could have a bit of drama at the end.  I’m just glad she finally left off the fish or crab pieces.  Instead, Ben decided to pick up the extra shell mantle and add extra prawn parts to his dish.

So the weakest chef is saved from elimination, which pretty much told me that if they were gonna ax someone Ben is next.

Dinner service is chugging along when, lo and behold, Andrea can’t cook fish.  Surprise, surprise, surprise, yet another thing Andrea can’t do.  Luckily she makes up for it by not being able to cook red meat or garnish either.  Andrea struggles the whole night, raw scallops go back and forth and Gordon goes in between her and Ben calling them disgusting pig-cows.  Ben struggles with garnish and eventually gets his ass kicked out of the kitchen. He gives himself a stern talking to and rallies himself back into the kitchen so he can get abused some more.  These two can rally all they want, it’s not going to help.  I can rally myself to get back in the octagon with Anderson the Spider Silva, but I’m still gonna get my ass whooped.

This guy can rally all he wants he's still going to meet floor

This guy can rally all he wants, he's still going to meet floor

The chefs do manage to complete the service.  Gordon tells the chefs to pick two for the axing and Andrea, being safe, becomes the one to nominate. She decides that Ben and Paula are the worst of the night and we all kind of giggle to ourselves to even think Paula should be one of the two.  Andrea knew damn well to keep herself off that line so Ben became the only real choice. Gordon doesn’t let the chef’s talk as much because it’s obvious what needs to happen.  Andrea is the worst chef there and she was only saved by her win. Thus my Oliver Stone, Hells Kitchen conspiracy theory comes into play and nobody is axed.  Robert already ate the bullet with gravy so there was no real need to kick anyone off.  However, Ben and Andrea are marked for elimination and if either of them win I’m going on a suicide bombing of the Borgata.  Goodbye Borgata, hello 40 virgins!

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