Being Fat on Hells Kitchen

by Mikey

We’re getting down to it now and as we dig a little deeper each week, the flaws of the chefs really start booming to the front.  It’s still amazing to me that they just cut Lacey, who had to scream out, “I can’t cook meat”, to be let go.

We still have plenty of chefs there who have about as much business being on the show as I do being the America’s next top model.  Andrea and Carol kept fighting from the end of last show into the start of this one.  There is nothing like two people who are horrible at something and fighting about it. We both pretty much suck, but you suck worse then I do, so you should leave.  In reality neither one has any business being there and both should go back to making macaroni and cheese at Denny’s.

You're a sweaty man beast!

Your a sweaty man beast!

The first challenge is a king crab cook off, which kinda got me going ’cause my favorite part of cooking is coming up with recipes for things I don’t normally cook with.  They all made their dishes, then as a team pick one of them to do.  If you have been watching the show from the start you already know this is going to be a disaster because only a couple of them can cook.  As a team they are all incapable of picking the right thing.  How many times have we watched Gordon go a completely different direction from what the teams choose?

The teams decided to go with Andrea’s alien crustacean crab legs with pear infused butter.  Everyone at home sighed.  We all knew this would be a disaster because we have seen how Gordon treats dishes with this kind of presentation.  It was laughable listening to Gordon talk about the shells, “Oh so there like mementos?”

You could feed 3 Eskimo Villages in Alaska with whats on that apron

You could feed 3 Eskimo Villages in Alaska with whats on that apron

Andrea was deflated as Gordon trashed her dish then went on to take apart Ben’s king crab with chili vanilla sauce. Gordon then called for the next two dishes Paula’s and Danny’s.  Here we finally got to see the two people who can actually cook.  Paula’s way to quiet and Danny’s happy enough to let others be cut throat.  Both of these chefs perform great on most of the stations and, out of the remaining chefs, show the most promise.

The Blue team won with Danny’s dish.  The red team cleaned the dorms and Roberts skivvies while the blue team went for a Segway ride in Santa Monica.  What’s great about having Robert on the show is we all get to learn what, as fat people, we can and can’t do.  Every time this guy wins a reward he has to worry about a weight limit.  I went on the Segway site and found that the Segway can only carry a max of 300lbs, unless it’s specially built, which obviously a segway in some rental place in Santa Monica is not going to be.  Maybe Gordon can take them to a pie eating contest on Wooly Mammoths so this poor guy can join in the fun.  Instead he has to get a ghetto bike which seemed to just be missing the little ringer and the tassels.

Segway Specs:

Maximum Speed:


12.5 mph / 20 km/h

Carrying capacity:


260 lbs / 118 kg



19 x 25 in / 48 x 63 cm



105 lbs / 47.7 kg

Battery type:


Two Saphion® lithium-ion battery packs

Battery Range:


Up to 24 miles / 38 km, depending on terrain and riding style.



Two brushless, DC servomotors



14 in / 35 cm glass-reinforced thermoplastic



19 in / 48 cm puncture-resistant tire

Platform Height:


8 in / 21 cm

Ground Clearance:


3 in / 7.6 cm



Wireless infokey controller




Hells Kitchen opens with both teams being able to create there own menus, which are pretty much alike, because the teams are a bunch of yahoos.  Most of the items they picked were off the menus they have been using most the season without much originality.  I would have added Mikey’s survivor Shepard’s pie for sure.  I’m guessing the rule is if you’re going to eat at Hell’s Kitchen, be prepared to possibly walk away without eating, depending on how retarded the Chefs are being and how aggressive Ramsey wants to be that night.  The teams had issues right away, mostly with Carol and Ben. Ben’s a character to me because he’s one of those guys that talks the big game then falls apart.  I actually don’t think he’s trying to sabotage anyone.  I just think he’s retarded.  Seth was the only one I’ve seen trying to intentionally be nasty.  This guy is just not very good.  Poor Robert is just trying to order reinforced Segways and cook misshapen meat while trying not to get anything on the front of his shirt.

Meanwhile Carol creates some kind of Potato goulash that Gordon hates and we can all see her exit coming. She tries in vain to add more cream to the dish but the potatos ask Gordon to just let them die and he throws them out.

The red team, via the comment cards, wins the service and Danny is told to pick either Ben or Robert.  Ben does his best Johnny Cochran and tries to sway Danny, but in the end Danny chooses sweaty man Ben to answer for his fondant.  Gordon tells both Ben and Robert to step up forward but I think as an audience we were already feeling he was going to switch it up and take out Carol. Thus Gordon calls her out and sends her packing.

I think it would be better if they actually lit them on fire when they fail, I think that would make them all try a lot harder.

Ahhhhh I can't make lobster spagetti!!!!!

Ahhhhh I can't make lobster spagetti!!!!!

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