Jabal Lebnan – On Sunland Blvd in Sun Valley

So this was my first taste of Lebanese food.   I was excited.   My friend brought me Beef Shawarma, rice, the house salad, garlic sauce, and hummus.  I also got to try the falafel, fresh pita bread, and some of their chicken.  I love throwing everything in a pita and eating it like a taco.  You can easily do it with this stuff and it’s really good.  I loved the flavor in the beef.  Though it was a little drier than I normally like it, it was still very good.  I know almost nothing about middle eastern cuisine so it was a real education for me.  I was trying to pick things out and garlic was very prevalent along with lemon juice and maybe some allspice.  There was a sauce to try and it tasted like it was yogurt-based.  It was also very good.  I loved the long rice and the veggies too.

Sorry just a menu this time

The falafel was not for me.  I’ve heard that they are very popular and I say have fun.  I’d rather get in a falafel ball fight with them.  I’d love to get a gun that could shoot them. I guess I’m just not into hard crunchy fava beans and chickpeas.

I’ve had hummus before at a couple Greek places and theirs was pretty good.  It seemed to have all the basics: garbanzo beans, parsley, lemon juice, tahini.  It was good. But just like mashed potatoes here, I imagine if you can’t make hummus over there then you need to move to New York and live with Zohan.  So Lets Go!

Just a side note: tahini is a paste made from sesame seeds.  The seeds are hulled and roasted.  This stuff is big apparently (not Oprah final episode big, but at least American Idol Big).

From the look of the menu they have plenty of dishes, a wide range of prices, and they even do the Hookah thing.  I’m a cigar man myself, but if you people enjoy it, Hookah yourself crazy.

For those of you who are really into Mediterranean, middle eastern, and cuisine from that part of the world, hopefully you can give some more insight.  The only thing I can do is tell you I liked it.  I’d go there for sure, and I would love to try some other dishes minus the falafel.  I think they buy their pita bread rather than make it, so maybe someone else who has been there can confirm that for me.

If you’re in the area and want to experiment give Jabal Lebnan a try.  Maybe my friend Bernadette can give you some more insight on the customer service, because this was simply delivery for me.  It was brought right to me with a smile and it allowed me to contemplate why Keanu Reeves is still getting work.

Thanks again to Bernadette for bringing me dinner (and great customer service).  I’m hopin’ she becomes our sideline reporter for EMC so we can really start widening our turf.

Oceana – New Orleans

Last week was twins, this week we got just plain brothers. Don’t worry folks these brothers are not only brining back the George Michael stubble look but they are also crazier than our main man Charlie Sheen. Sorry Charlie we had to throw you in the mix at some point. We also have a red cheeked angry head chef thrown into the mix creating a wonderful red cheeked, gold chained, stubbly, greasy haired anger tornado. Good luck Gordon!

The Ocean located on Bourbon St making it prime stop for tourist and locals. Owned by brothers Moe and Rami who bought it from their father they spend wonderful New Orleans afternoons yelling at each other, the staff, the tourists, the dogs, the Levies, the street lamps, and the food. I seriously can’t understand how they have a staff. There has got to be a better job than this place. I’d rather be a Wall mart greeter. I’d rather be in a Nicolas Cage movie. Hell, I’d rather be the guy who hoses down the streets after Mardi Gras than work for these guys. What’s really great is that the only things that aren’t angry in this place are the cock roaches and the rats that are living off the fact these guys can’t clean to save there angry lives.

Right when Gordon gets there we know he’s in trouble. Brother Mo insists that Gordon says New Orleans correctly as Na lens. At least that’s how it sounded to me. Gordon’s frustration forehead wrinkle starts to show immediately. For those of you who don’t know Gordon the frustration forehead wrinkle is the third one down from the hair line. According to Moe people will make fun of you for saying it wrong so he had to as he says it, “edeiocate” Gordon.

I started cracking up when Gordon looks through the menu its full of pictures of people that Moe and Rami have fired, then we learn that Nell the server has been fired 4 times! That’s awesome. These guys are obvious professionals.

Gordon orders the seafood gumbo, the blackened bayou duck, and the crab cake platter. Immediately Damon the executive chef takes control of the kitchen and cooks up what I’m sure will be a lunch to remember.

The seafood gumbo comes out first and we have our first strike as Gordon simply tells us it’s disgusting, it tastes old, and is an embarrassment. On the bright side it looked like the bottom of a toilet bowl after a frat house party. Executive Chef Damon (just as a side note I had a really hard time saying Executive chef) tasted the gumbo and found there to be no issues as did brother Moe. Moe goes on to dazzle us by saying he does not think Gordon knows anything about Cajun food. that’s kinda like saying Nolan Ryan doesn’t know much about pitching or that John Madden doesn’t know much about football. Crab cakes come in next and Gordon lets us know they are watery and soggy, figuring they had been defrosted rapidly. He sends that back claiming they must be frozen. We top it off with the blackened duck which Gordon describes as tough, and wonders if its been cooked for 5 days. He has Nell taste it and she agrees its tough. Chef Damon who from this point forward will be known as Chef Blinky because he can’t seem to stop blinking and Angry Moe both disagree and say the duck is perfect. Only Rami realizes that the duck has issues and things need to change. Moe then makes a joke about having Chef Ramsey come back there and make a duck dish that he’d call Gordon’s duck then laughs all crazy loud like it’s a funny joke. I’ve heard Rita Rudner tell funnier jokes than this guy. Now we see there are two things he knows nothing about food and comedy.

Moe  actually says he think Chef Ramsey is clueless and dazzles us further with his insight saying that he doesn’t think the British can cook period. Gordon is Scottish Moe read a book!

Gordon meets with the chefs letting them know the truth about the food. As he starts with words like embarrassing, no flavor, and couldn’t be fresh, Chef Blinkys cheeks get redder and his blinky eyes start blinking off the charts.  This becomes great conversation when Gordon asks Damon if the crab cakes are frozen he lies and says no. when Rami says they are and chef Blinky is caught in his lie he gets so uncomfortable its hilarious. It gets even better when Chef Ramsay asks when the duck was cooked none of the chefs know. We all know they know. The blinky, red cheeked, sweaty liar just doesn’t want to tell us.

Moe comes clean and tells us the duck is cooked once a month in some other place and then frozen. Executive Chef Blinky gets angry and actually steps up to Gordon. Rami actually has to push him back and shut him up before he really does something stupid.

We start our first dinner service so Gordon can see how the Kitchen runs. Immediately there are problems as food goes out and comes right back. Chef blinky just spits out constantly with each dish that its not his fault everything taste horrible. Since he’s the executive chef I’m not sure who’s fault it is but at least we know he knows its not his. Gordon meanwhile explores the kitchen and the real fun begins. Finding milky crab, a hot cupboard that’s not hot, spoiling sauce, old shrimp, old pasta, and crawfish from the civil war. As Gordon sets in Executive Chef Damons eyes go absolutely haywire he is blinking and twitching so much I though Gordon was gonna give the guy a stroke. It’s hard to fight with a guy whose face wont stop contorting, its just to damn funny. Executive Chef blinky is sweating like a madman as Gordon pulls out tons of crabs prepped weeks ago, spoiled food, warm soups probably growing bacteria. Thousands of dollars wasted in spoiled food.

Chef Gordon’s discoveries continue as he fights a dead mouse hotel right in the kitchen containing 3 dead bodies. Gordon calls it a night and shuts the place down.  Gordon calls in pest control and moves on to some other areas. We learn then that the kitchen has never been cleaned. Never?

The brothers start to go right after each other blaming each other for the filth. I love listening to people blame other people. It’s almost an art form when someone accepts absolutely no responsible for how things are. Moe finds the staff sitting at a table talking and explodes. This moron throws chairs, kicks tables, and then heads to the bar. The brothers actually calm down and realize they have to let go of Chef Blinky. Brother Moe does his best to let go of Chef blinky very gracefully, and politely. Well not really, he pretty much yells at him then tells him to leave.

Moe lets Gordon know they let go of Chef Blinky and they move on to the menu. We then listen in on a fabulous conversation about how Moe has all the recipes in his head and a refuses to write them down because he doesn’t want anyone to steal them. Gordon wants to know if this idiot is for real and unfortunately Gordon he is. The kitchen has no recipes to follow cause they are all in this guys head. It’s almost like a Seinfeld episode. Gordon goes into this intense speech that not only knocks him off his high horse but actually shuts him up too. Moe learns very quickly that you do not mess with Da Man!

These brothers are a complete crack up. One they keep calling Gordon British, two after being called a busy idiot these guys analyze what the meaning could be. Rami lets Moe know that being called a busy idiot is a compliment. This conversation they have could be in a Tarentino movie its that awesome. Moe finishes the conversation by saying he needs to get a British dictionary. This guys gonna give me a stroke.

Gordon sets in with some new recipes and some big changes and lets Moe know he needs to accept them if he wants to get out of the hole they are in. So Moe kisses the floor and starts convulsing because he so upset his horrible, filthy black hole of a food joint is gonna be changed. Moe’s final statement on the changes is that if he doesn’t like them he’s gonna send Gordon, “back to British with a black eye”.

Gordon and his team, really does a number on the place, new counter tops, clutter removed, lightened up, re painted, and gorgeous. Gordon unveils the new menu, every plate vibrant gorgeous and look absolutely delicious.

Relaunch night begins and Moe is no where to be found. Apparently he was upstairs sleeping, or maybe he was going over his British dictionary. For relaunch Rami runs the pass and Moe is in the front. Though Moe seems to pop up in the Kitchen and Gordon has to send him back out.

Customers are loving the new food, and Moe loves that kitchen cause he’s back in the kitchen again. Moe starts in on food times not realizing he’s now making fresh food made to order. After getting yelled at by Gordon Moe wanders off to take a break. Moe is outside trying to apparently put his head together. Gordon rallies the kitchen and they do Gordon proud by rocking out all the tickets.

You can tell in this episode Gordon has had enough of Moe. Moe is an idiot and a disaster. I feel really bad for Rami. Moe is a weight around his ankle that will probably end up sinking him. Gordon runs from Oceana for his life before Moe lowers his IQ with his stupidity. Run Gordon run!

Right away Jeff and Jim started us off with the lame twin humor. “You’re Jim.”  “No, I’m Jim.”  Then we, of course, need to speak in chorus.  I already want to beat them with a soggy loaf of bread.  So these guys had been going to Capri and loved it so much they decided to buy it.  Anyone who watches Gordon take on these projects knows these are the worst kind of owners.  They are clueless, lazy, and lazy.  Yeah I know I said it twice.  After all, they are twins and are twice the amount of lazy.  Luckily their staff respects them and showers them with praise.  Just kidding.  They basically say that they are lazy, immature, sloppy, loud, and can’t cook. Other than that they are fantastic.  These guys actually go sit in the car together.  Side by side, they just sit in the car.  I know there is not much to do in Eagle Rock but there has got to be something better then sitting in a car.  Jeff sums it all up saying, “Our financial situation has hit the pooper.”

Gordon shows up and looks frightened. He immediately finds out that they are open only for dinner and the twins start in with the stupid twin humor, with the second brother coming out pretending to be the first.  It’s a horrible, lazy, sloppy version of Alice in Wonderland if it took place in Eagle rock in an Italian Restaurant.  The twins let Gordon know they are only open Wednesday through Sunday and seem to be closed more than open.  Gordon also notices how filthy and disgusting everything is.

Gordon starts off with a meatball sandwich, Capri colassal, and chicken scarpello.  While the order is put in Gordon starts taking apart booths, finding dirt and grime everywhere. Lamps are filthy, there is food in the booths and everything is covered in twenty years of filth. Surprise surprise, the twins hate cleaning. Meanwhile, we watch meatballs go into the microwave, bread gets crushed and one of the ugliest meatball sandwiches ever heads out to Gordon.  One bite pretty much ends the meatball, while the twins beat the chicken with a tenderizer until it its been killed 4 times.

Next comes the Colossal Pizza. Seriously?  This pizza is a mess. It’s covered in cheap, frozen and then defrosted, microwave toppings.  Gordon is instantly disgusted and moves on to the Chicken. One sniff of the chicken and Gordon knows something’s wrong and sends Dorothy back to see how old the chicken is.  Surprise yet again, the twins have no idea.  While Gordon is sitting at the table wondering if he’s going to die, he looks underneath it and finds a half a pound worth of chewing gum.  The doors are smashed open now and Gordon checks all the tables.  Sure enough, the twins are running an under the table already chewed gum market.

We soon find out twin Jeff is a big crier. Gordon lays into them big time and Jeff cries more than teen girls watching their American Idol hopeful get booted off the show.  Gordon tells the twins to clean the joint up before dinner and like a great lazy boss the twins go right after their poor staff telling them very sternly that they need to get the gum and everything else taken care of immediately.

Capri opens for the first dinner service.  Gordon starts right in on how filthy the kitchen is.  That’s followed by a tour of the fridge that yields, ancient eggplant, old veggies, and a container full of hot sauce that was placed in the fridge.  Anyone who owns or cooks in a restaurant or at home should know that things should not be placed in a sealed container and go from hot to cold. It is a recipe to grow bacteria. These guys know nothing about restaurant health standards and know even less about cooking, as most of the diners send their dinners back to the kitchen.  Jeff then does what Jeff does best.  He cries, leaving poor Gordon to pick up Jim’s crushed spirit.

Just when we think the twins are on track, we find out one of them has tried to defrost chicken using the steam table.  From frozen to steam table is also a recipe to send your customers yodeling to the porcelain bowl.  Chicken needs to be defrosted naturally, guys. Jim tries to blow it off and does not understand the magnitude of his mistake.  Instead, he just starts getting angry, which is usually the reaction of someone who is embarrassed when being told how dumb he is.  Jim heads to the dining room and announces, “Due to certain circumstances, we have no chicken tonight.”

Roughly translated that means, “Folks, due to the fact I’m ignorant and dumb and have no clue how to defrost chicken we wont be serving it to you tonight so that I don’t kill you and make you angry.”  This pretty much clears the dining room and Jim learns another lesson on being discreet to protect your business.  Jim starts whining about not having chicken and Gordon tells him to stop being a baby and asks him if he needs his diaper changed.  Obviously Jim does not respond well to Gordon’s concern over his possible undergarment issues.  Gordon finds out from the help that the twins act like this on a regular basis.  Customers start walking out the door and the night is, of course, a failure.  But if you wanna make an omelet you gotta break a couple twins.  Gordon tells the twins they need to clean the kitchen and Jeff of course cries and cleans, then cries cause he can’t clean, then cries cause he’s lazy, then cries cause he can’t stop cleaning, and finally cries cause he’s a failure.  It’s my absolute hands down favorite part of this episode. “I can’t clean anything, sniff ,sniff, It’s just making it dirtier, sniff ,sniff. I’m making it worse. Sniff, sniff.“

[Editor's note from Brian:  He's right.  It was epic watching that guy meltdown like a japanese nuclear reactor...]

I was laughing so hard my neighbors must have thought I finally cracked.  Jim, I want to thank you for letting us all know no matter how emotionally unstable we are at least we don’t cry when we clean.

While Jim is at home helping Jeff ring out his tear soaked shirts, Gordon opens Capri for lunch.  Adding a kid flipping a sign outside and getting some help from Dorothy and the kitchen staff, Gordon shows the twins their laziness is costing them money!  The twins show up and see the place packed with a very simple menu for lunch.  We then learn that Jeff cries when he’s happy too when the twins realize they are missing out on easy cash.

We then arrive at the next hilarious moment.  Gordon has the twins get in a ring and do some punching.  Jeff of course cries and hits, and cries and swings, then cries and cheers. The chubby twin tears then become chubby twin rage.  Jeff is now ready.  The twins now see they may have to actually work to succeed.  The twins then spar with each other in what looks like 2 huge rolly pollies battling it out.

Gordon goes to work on the food next, creating homemade meatballs.  This is where we learn Jeff likes big balls and makes sure all of Eagle Rock knows it.  Gordon then gets his remodel on and really does a number on the joint bringing the Capri into the now.  This is where I start to lose track of which one is crying.  Personally, I think that both of them should have their man cards taken and burned.

With a remodled Capri, a new menu, homemade meatballs, and plenty of Kleenex for Jeff, we are ready for the re launch. The joint fills up as always when Gordon is in town and it is on.  Jim is trying to keep control of the kitchen, but the chicken isn’t being cooked and he’s starting to plate sloppily.  Gordon gets Jim back on track, but he still manages to get behind again.  Gordon immediately lays into the twins and gets them fired up. With the music of Braveheart in the background, the twins fight on.

The night ends in success and what a crying, sniffling, lazy battle it’s been.  You can tell Gordon wants to get the hell out.  I gotta figure Eagle Rock was not real high on his list of destinations.  I’m pretty sure Gordon grew 3 more forehead wrinkles after this one.

3 months later the twins were going strong, now open for lunch, and making their home made meatball.  Jeff gives us one more sniffle as we head off into the sunset.

Yep it’s true.  I have a mom and she’s the best mom in the whole entire world.  Now I know you’re saying to yourself, “Yeah she might be great but my mom’s way better.”

I’m sorry to break down your walls of illusion but all mothers pale in comparison to mine.  Not only is she the best mom since the dawn of man, but she is also a great person to bring along for a great fish dinner.  We originally wanted to hit up a new Mexican joint down on Ventura Blvd, but it was closed so she suggested Lures after having been there a few weeks ago.

Lure Fishhouse – Camarillo

Lure is your top of the line modern seafood restaurant.  It’s got that steakhouse Outback, Wood Ranch kinda feel except with fish.  It’s a huge place so it is perfect for your big party get-togethers, but a little more difficult for one on one dinners. Being that it’s large and open, its hard to hear who you are talking to and you pretty much hear everyone around you.  Very clean, very modern, and very open.

The staff are all very nice without being too Disney and our waiter was very customer service oriented. He was ready and willing to answer questions which with my mom is a must ’cause she has more questions than Trivial Pursuit (the deluxe edition that comes with 5 thousand more questions). The menu is simple and has plenty of dishes. There is a great variety of appetizers and entrees. They even list dishes that show which meals use fish that were not farmed or caught in mass fishery nets run by the man.

They also cook with some of our local fish caught right here in Ventura waters. They have a few entrees using our local rock cod which I think I’ll try next time.  Having caught it and cooked it myself, I’d love to see if it’s better than mine.

My mom ordered the trout almandine, sweet potato fries, and grilled vegetables.  I went with the Mahi mahi, parmesan potato cake, and grilled asparagus.  The avg meal at Lure is approximately $17.99.  A little pricey, but as fish goes they are right in there with the higher scale fish joints.

The mahi was excellent.  It was very moist and tender.  The parmesan cake was a bit on the salty side in my opinion, but I don’t like very much salt in my food.  The grilled vegetables and the asparagus are as advertised.  You’re not going to have anything added to them so you’re getting exactly what you ordered.  My asparagus was probably washed, tossed on the grill and served up.  Is this a bad thing?   Not in the least.  For anyone who loves vegetables, you’re going to love it because your veggies will come out just as the good lord intended.  For Mikey?  Well my friends, I need seasoning.  I’m not a huge veggie guy.  I’m one of those people you have to hide the fact I’m eating veggies from.  I want seasoning, cheese, gravy, sauce, pepper, ketchup, anything to make it taste like something else.  For you guys, however, I always eat my vegetables ’cause you guys wanna know if they are good.  Lure’s will make you veggie lovers happy.  Their sweet potato fries are also pretty good, but I always like when they have a little mango, peach, or pineapple sauce to dip them in.  But that’s just me.

They have some great bread which you can definitely find yourself eating too much of.  They are great little sourdough rolls, and I obviously ate way too many.  All in all, it was a great dinner.  The portions are a good size and my mom’s almandine trout came clean off the skin with an amazing crust.

My mom had tried the clam chowder on a separate visit and said that it had been a little sandy but that was really the only negative.  The overall buzz at Lure has been very positive and my experience just added to it.  It’s a great place to take mom to get back on the list as number one son.  Sorry Alex and Garrett, you are only a distant memory now.  I’m back on top and I think she even said, “Thanks Mike that was delicious, maybe next time will bring your brother what’s his name and that other kid who’s been hanging around the house the last twenty years.”

Give Lure Fish House a shot guys, and tell me what you think out there.  Also we need more fish on the site, so send us some more places to try.

Ramsey heads on in for lunch and immediately attacks the ancient dessert case that appears to be the same since Lucy and Desi ate there before the first episode of I Love Lucy.  This includes the deserts inside the case as well.  Gordon starts off
with the La Frite salad, which is enormous.  What cracks me up about every one of these episodes is the chef always says the same thing.  Martin the head chef says it best, “I tink he will love da food here.  My food is good.”

Well Martin, and any other chef on Kitchen nightmares, prepare to have your little chef dreams crushed.  Ramsey has not liked the food EVER.  The trend continues with a bland La Frite salad, a seafood crepe that looks like an angry pot
pie, and Quiche Loraine that was not microwaved, says Head chef Martin.  Oh wait, strike that.  He just changed his mind.
It was microwaved.  Somewhere in placing the Quiche in the microwave Martin was confused and first stated that he did not microwave it when he actually did.  Um?  Sorry Martin, in this country when you put it in the microwave that does mean you microwaved it.

Chef Gordon goes back to speak with Martin and drags out the microwave issues along with Martin’s hatred for the sister and the uncaring owners.  He feels beaten down, betrayed, overwhelmed, over-worked, under-paid, and under-appreciated.  Gordon fixes all his issues with one sentence. “Well lets see how you do at dinner service.”

The first dinner service rolls around.  Alex casually comes in to say Dad’s at a hockey game and I hate my sister and despise her existence on this earth. When asked what was wrong with the place, Alex says nothing. Well, except he’d change the bathrooms. Um?

Day one service starts.  The joint is packed and the nightmare begins.  Martin starts us off right by placing meat on the grill with no seasoning.  Gordon asks if he plans to season it.  Martins reply? “It’s pre-seasoned.”
Gordon comes back, “There’s nothing on it.”
Martin replies, “That’s cause I’m gonna do it now”.
Now again maybe it’s that whole wacky English thing getting in the way, but doesn’t pre-season mean seasoning beforehand? Hang in there Martin.  Everything is going to be okay.

Celine tries to talk to Martin, but Martin wants nothing to do with her.  He will talk to everyone else but her.  Alex is ignoring everyone.  Gordon is about to regulate.  Alex’s attitude sends Celine to the parking lot.  Alex feels the 10 tops they push in a night is okay and business is great.  Does he look at the bottom line or taste the food?  Maybe Martin knows.

Alex thinks Gordon is ruining the restaurant.  Meanwhile the place is packed.  Just hearing Gordon is somewhere brings so many people and it will continue for months.  We at EMC experienced the magic of Gordon for Mama Ritas…………..

Gordon asks Celine to call Andre, who’s at a hockey game.  Celine calls and Andre finally shows up. Gordon lays in to him
about Alex and then begs Andre for help and lets him know he has to be more involved.

The next day begins Dr. Gordon’s family therapy session.  He records his conversation with Celine so her dad can hear it.  They go through Celine’s relationship status. Then Alex comes in. Both siblings break down and their father hears it all.  If I had tear ducts and a soul I might have cried too.  But as usual, Dr. Gordon got the family back on track.

Gordon’s remodel begins and the first thing to go is the ancient desert case, and in its place he adds a crepe station.

Night two begins. Alex is front of the house at the new crepe station.  Much to Martin’s happiness, he’s working with
Celine in the back of the house.  Martin starts off fantastically by killing two omelets and butchering the first 8 table’s dinners
Martin continues to ignore Celine, but Alex is actually starting to excel by the end of the night.

In fact, the night ends with only one glaring problem. Sorry Martin.

The reopening is upon us.  Gordon’s team remodels the joint and it looks great. Bright and spacious and modern. The menu is given a modern update as well and now looks more like a french bistro.  Along with the menu, Chef Ramsey also brings in a great Chef who really knows his stuff.

Relaunch begins.  Chef Martin is nervous.  After 20 years of cooking crappy food can he cook a new menu?

The answer so far is no.  Martin is still ignoring Celine.  Celine is crying and Alex is pissed. Not a great start.
Why Martin is still there, nobody knows.  People begin to walk out and Gordon rallies the troops.  Celine asks Ramsey’s chef to step in and take over. Once Chef Chuy took over it was on like donkey Kong.  By the way Chef Chuy is an awesome name.

Relaunch was a success and it was obvious that the end of Head Chef Martin was needed.  Martin is out and Chuy is in.
With La Frite now on the right track, Gordon could safely walk away.

I want to hear from anyone who has been to La Frite before and after Gordon. So let us know!

We will be doing some updates to the bios and such as both of us have undergone a few changes, mostly involving our places of residence or occupation.  I finally found a way to organize the week in order to continue the quest to sort the garbage from the great food and to also watch our favorite TV shows.  It will probably be mostly me for a little while, but B will chime in where he can.

 I’m starting our come back with a new blog I’m gonna call the Fast Food Round-up.  I love trying the new things that these joints come out with.  Always searching to top each other the Carls Jrs, Jack n the box, Taco Bells, and McDonalds of the world are always fighting it out with millions of marketing dollars.  So a couple times a week, or as often as new things come out, I will try them out and maybe save you a trip to the white throne.  As always here at EMC we are willing to take the fast food bullet for you cause well…….we love ya!

FAST FOOD SHRIMP?

Fast food very rarely goes the way of fish. The fillet o’ fish at McDonalds has been probably the one and only regular fish menu item from a straight fast food place.  We are not talking about the fish fast food places that deal with fish. The long John Silvers and Sonics and any fish and chip fast food places aren’t included in what I’m putting together.  I’m talking the big places like the golden arches, Wendy’s, Carls Jr, the Box, Taco Bell and Del Taco.  For this particular round up we are talking shrimp and the recent shrimp tacos at Del Taco and Taco Bell.  I’ve had both now and, as you probably guessed already, they are not great.  The surprise though was that they were better than I thought they’d be.  Would I buy them again? No.  I think I’d rather be in charge of living arrangements for the homeless people in the Ventura river bed. 

Shrimp in itself, at least to me, is an easy ingredient to make fantastic.  But if not done right, is also one of the most bland and flavorless of those that live underneath the depths. The great thing about the tacos at both DT and TB is that you can make them.  Go to your local store, get a bag of those tiny frozen shrimp, thaw them, put them on a tortilla with some cheese cabbage and tomatoes and then stick the whole thing in the microwave.  Fish is not meant to be a fast food.  I know it, you know it, your mom knows it.  Unfortunately nobody is telling the big-wigs or the small-wigs down at the big taco joints.  These bland, limp tacos are being pushed on the public and all we can do is order something different. On a good note, I do really like that Taco Bell is getting crazy with the sauces.  Their verde sauce is actually pretty good.  I always get extra in case I make a quick quesadilla at home.  It’s a great sauce.  The fire roasted sauce is not all that great, but I like that they are trying.  Sauce is everything in food, especially when your product is frozen then re-heated.

Carls Jr Turkey Burger

The fight to make fast food healthy continues at Carls Jr where they introduced their very own Turkey burger.  I understand the desire to make it healthy, but I think everyone needs to really ask what they are pushing.  McDonalds has really been trying to push the healthy stuff too.   Their oatmeal, which if you had it you’d know, might cause the president of McDonalds to be assassinated by the ghost of the Quaker.  Serve apples instead of fries, have juice available, but beyond that you’re just asking for trouble. The turkey burger I had at Carls Jr was dryer than a Maytag.  Maybe you’ve had a better one, but it was actually removing every bit of moisture from my mouth.  The other weird thing was the flavor of the bun.  It was odd.  It was wheat, but not.  It was kinda like it wanted to be wheat, so it dressed in a wheat shirt, but it tasted like wonder bread.  I’m hoping it was just the Carls Jr I went to.  I’m actually gonna try this one again because I wanna like it.  As someone who is dropping weight, but on the run a lot, I want healthy alternatives.  I’m just not sure its going to be from the star.

More to come later this week as we review the start of Deadliest catch, get back into Kitchen Nightmares, and dig into some Man Vs food. Also we’ll have some new places to eat and we will see what B can give us from San Diego.

It’s great to be back boys and girls.  Where have you been eating?  Send us some places you want us to check out!
Mikey

Hey guys and gals, EMC is back on track reviewing the best and worst food in Cali and the best and worst of the food shows on TV.  B and I took a much needed break and are back in action, doing our part to inform, and make you giggle like a little school girl.

We are jumping into Kitchen Nightmares with our pal Gordon Ramsey and are starting off with Gordon trying to help a Cuban restaurant in Brooklyn owned by a couple who are no longer able to tolerate each other’s existence.  They split up years ago but kept ownership of their restaurant as partners. Sort of…

I have to give this couple credit because I’m pretty sure I couldn’t work with any of my 10 ex wives.  Though these guys are at each other’s throats and Katalina, the ex wife, seems really close to pulling out a blade and making arroz con ex-husband.

I found it hard at first to watch or even listen to this episode, because when this girl starts screaming in that thick Cuban accent, the sound made me want to stick an ice pick in my ear drums.  I like women with a little spice but this girl is intense.  Marcello, her ex husband, seems completely beaten down by life and at times looks more interested in putting his own head in the oven.  As they spoke, I think I saw Gordon grow three more wrinkles on his forehead.

Gordon starts off eating at Mojito’s and begins his Cuban journey with the chicken soup.  Though the tempers seem to be hot in the kitchen, the soup comes out cold.  Then Gordon tries the black beans and rice and is disgusted by the amount of salt in the dish.  Katalina erupts in the kitchen in a Cuban tirade that makes Scarface’s final scene look like a happy ending.  Gordon then moves onto the main course, only to find his fish is trying to swim back to Cuba.  For what it’s worth, Marcello looks like he wants to get on the boat to help the fish get back.

Gordon then begins his breakdown of the kitchen, where he finds the true problem is two people who can’t stand each other. Imagine being stuck with an ex you don’t like and trying to succeed. I’d rather try to direct porn stars in a production of Macbeth.

Gordon discovers the blue bottles decorating the windows are filled with tidy bowl (the stuff that makes toilet water blue). I don’t know about you but I love to be surrounded by toilet water.  In addition, we have cigar boxes on the walls. I smoke cigars, but I never thought of hanging the boxes on my walls. Where would I hang my poster of B throwing Gatorade at Lance Armstrong?

Gordon watches the first service as Marcello tries to expedite dishes and Kat runs front of house.  Marcello seems to not know his own appetizers and Kat prefers to just yell like Rosie Perez at the closest ear lobe.

During service Gordon begins his journey into the food storage.  He finds enough food in the fridge to feed Cuba.  Loads of chicken and beans and more produce then I’ve seen at a farmers market.  The bills for food alone are killing the profit.  Mix that with Kata’s Cuban vocal machine gun and the place is falling apart.  Three hundred grand in debt, we are beginning to wonder if this place can be saved.

Gordon starts his remake with his best Dr Phil impersonation, trying to find out what makes this couple want to stab each other.  He does make enough of a breakthrough to get these two on the same page.  Gordon has the couple try to cook a meal together.  What we end up with are two separate dishes.  Kata brings out her Shrimp and mango sauce while Marcello busts out chicken and potatoes.  Gordon tries both and prefers Kata’s shrimp dish and makes it the night’s special.

While Gordon works with the chef in the kitchen, Marcello and Kata actually create a plan together to have Kata in the kitchen and Marcello in front of house.  The night starts off well, but as it gets busier Kata starts yelling again.  Meanwhile, Marcello seems to enjoy wandering aimlessly around the restaurant searching for some ear plugs.  Tickets seem to get lost, Kata is breaking down and Gordon just got two more forehead wrinkles.  I think Marcello says it best, “Che crazy”.

Kata gets her groove back and they finish the night strong. Gordon sees a few big changes still need to be made. Kata and Marcello come to an agreement to work towards a successful business and we seem to be moving in the right direction. Hugs for everyone.

The next morning Mojito’s has been given a face lift.  Gordon’s team gets rid of the toilet water bottles, brightens the joint up and gives it a much more modern and clean look.  The menu, as is tradition with Gordon, is simplified and made for speed and flavor.  We have crying, we have hugging, and we are ready for the re-opening.

Kata and Marcello plan on working the front of house and Edwardo their second chef becomes head chef. The only problem is Ed is not a talker.  In fact, he doesn’t talk at all.  If we’ve seen enough of these programs on head chefs, we know as the main guy or gal you have to talk.  Ed breaks down and starts messing up orders and something needs to happen quickly.

Gordon takes Ed aside and gives him a Ramsey pep talk.  Marcello heads to the kitchen and expedites orders.  Kata joins in and we actually have some teamwork happening.  We have some high fives, some good Cuban cuisine, and Kata finally cho Marcello some respect.

With the Cuban fire put back under the chicken, instead of at each others ear drums, the restaurant shows promise. All we were missing was a big Oprah sized hug.  Kata promises to be 100, 120, 200% involved with working with Marcello, so at 420% that’s gotta be a good sign.  I never knew anyone could be 420% committed to something, but maybe that’s why I write about restaurants instead of owning one.

From now on B I’m going to be 100,120,200% committed to EMC!