Gordon visit’s a double nightmare at Capri in Eagle Rock, Ca. Why is it a double nightmare? The owners are twins. Unfortunately for us and Gordon they are identical twins. You know already we are going to be forced to endure twin jokes, trading names, acting like each other, etc, etc. The best twin humor however will be dealt of course by Gordon. We will have twin insults, twins yelling and most important in any kitchen nightmare, twins crying. So on to Capri in Eagle Rock.
Right away Jeff and Jim started us off with the lame twin humor. “You’re Jim.” “No, I’m Jim.” Then we, of course, need to speak in chorus. I already want to beat them with a soggy loaf of bread. So these guys had been going to Capri and loved it so much they decided to buy it. Anyone who watches Gordon take on these projects knows these are the worst kind of owners. They are clueless, lazy, and lazy. Yeah I know I said it twice. After all, they are twins and are twice the amount of lazy. Luckily their staff respects them and showers them with praise. Just kidding. They basically say that they are lazy, immature, sloppy, loud, and can’t cook. Other than that they are fantastic. These guys actually go sit in the car together. Side by side, they just sit in the car. I know there is not much to do in Eagle Rock but there has got to be something better then sitting in a car. Jeff sums it all up saying, “Our financial situation has hit the pooper.”
Gordon shows up and looks frightened. He immediately finds out that they are open only for dinner and the twins start in with the stupid twin humor, with the second brother coming out pretending to be the first. It’s a horrible, lazy, sloppy version of Alice in Wonderland if it took place in Eagle rock in an Italian Restaurant. The twins let Gordon know they are only open Wednesday through Sunday and seem to be closed more than open. Gordon also notices how filthy and disgusting everything is.
Gordon starts off with a meatball sandwich, Capri colassal, and chicken scarpello. While the order is put in Gordon starts taking apart booths, finding dirt and grime everywhere. Lamps are filthy, there is food in the booths and everything is covered in twenty years of filth. Surprise surprise, the twins hate cleaning. Meanwhile, we watch meatballs go into the microwave, bread gets crushed and one of the ugliest meatball sandwiches ever heads out to Gordon. One bite pretty much ends the meatball, while the twins beat the chicken with a tenderizer until it its been killed 4 times.
Next comes the Colossal Pizza. Seriously? This pizza is a mess. It’s covered in cheap, frozen and then defrosted, microwave toppings. Gordon is instantly disgusted and moves on to the Chicken. One sniff of the chicken and Gordon knows something’s wrong and sends Dorothy back to see how old the chicken is. Surprise yet again, the twins have no idea. While Gordon is sitting at the table wondering if he’s going to die, he looks underneath it and finds a half a pound worth of chewing gum. The doors are smashed open now and Gordon checks all the tables. Sure enough, the twins are running an under the table already chewed gum market.
We soon find out twin Jeff is a big crier. Gordon lays into them big time and Jeff cries more than teen girls watching their American Idol hopeful get booted off the show. Gordon tells the twins to clean the joint up before dinner and like a great lazy boss the twins go right after their poor staff telling them very sternly that they need to get the gum and everything else taken care of immediately.
Capri opens for the first dinner service. Gordon starts right in on how filthy the kitchen is. That’s followed by a tour of the fridge that yields, ancient eggplant, old veggies, and a container full of hot sauce that was placed in the fridge. Anyone who owns or cooks in a restaurant or at home should know that things should not be placed in a sealed container and go from hot to cold. It is a recipe to grow bacteria. These guys know nothing about restaurant health standards and know even less about cooking, as most of the diners send their dinners back to the kitchen. Jeff then does what Jeff does best. He cries, leaving poor Gordon to pick up Jim’s crushed spirit.
Just when we think the twins are on track, we find out one of them has tried to defrost chicken using the steam table. From frozen to steam table is also a recipe to send your customers yodeling to the porcelain bowl. Chicken needs to be defrosted naturally, guys. Jim tries to blow it off and does not understand the magnitude of his mistake. Instead, he just starts getting angry, which is usually the reaction of someone who is embarrassed when being told how dumb he is. Jim heads to the dining room and announces, “Due to certain circumstances, we have no chicken tonight.”
Roughly translated that means, “Folks, due to the fact I’m ignorant and dumb and have no clue how to defrost chicken we wont be serving it to you tonight so that I don’t kill you and make you angry.” This pretty much clears the dining room and Jim learns another lesson on being discreet to protect your business. Jim starts whining about not having chicken and Gordon tells him to stop being a baby and asks him if he needs his diaper changed. Obviously Jim does not respond well to Gordon’s concern over his possible undergarment issues. Gordon finds out from the help that the twins act like this on a regular basis. Customers start walking out the door and the night is, of course, a failure. But if you wanna make an omelet you gotta break a couple twins. Gordon tells the twins they need to clean the kitchen and Jeff of course cries and cleans, then cries cause he can’t clean, then cries cause he’s lazy, then cries cause he can’t stop cleaning, and finally cries cause he’s a failure. It’s my absolute hands down favorite part of this episode. “I can’t clean anything, sniff ,sniff, It’s just making it dirtier, sniff ,sniff. I’m making it worse. Sniff, sniff.“
[Editor's note from Brian: He's right. It was epic watching that guy meltdown like a japanese nuclear reactor...]
I was laughing so hard my neighbors must have thought I finally cracked. Jim, I want to thank you for letting us all know no matter how emotionally unstable we are at least we don’t cry when we clean.
While Jim is at home helping Jeff ring out his tear soaked shirts, Gordon opens Capri for lunch. Adding a kid flipping a sign outside and getting some help from Dorothy and the kitchen staff, Gordon shows the twins their laziness is costing them money! The twins show up and see the place packed with a very simple menu for lunch. We then learn that Jeff cries when he’s happy too when the twins realize they are missing out on easy cash.
We then arrive at the next hilarious moment. Gordon has the twins get in a ring and do some punching. Jeff of course cries and hits, and cries and swings, then cries and cheers. The chubby twin tears then become chubby twin rage. Jeff is now ready. The twins now see they may have to actually work to succeed. The twins then spar with each other in what looks like 2 huge rolly pollies battling it out.
Gordon goes to work on the food next, creating homemade meatballs. This is where we learn Jeff likes big balls and makes sure all of Eagle Rock knows it. Gordon then gets his remodel on and really does a number on the joint bringing the Capri into the now. This is where I start to lose track of which one is crying. Personally, I think that both of them should have their man cards taken and burned.
With a remodled Capri, a new menu, homemade meatballs, and plenty of Kleenex for Jeff, we are ready for the re launch. The joint fills up as always when Gordon is in town and it is on. Jim is trying to keep control of the kitchen, but the chicken isn’t being cooked and he’s starting to plate sloppily. Gordon gets Jim back on track, but he still manages to get behind again. Gordon immediately lays into the twins and gets them fired up. With the music of Braveheart in the background, the twins fight on.
The night ends in success and what a crying, sniffling, lazy battle it’s been. You can tell Gordon wants to get the hell out. I gotta figure Eagle Rock was not real high on his list of destinations. I’m pretty sure Gordon grew 3 more forehead wrinkles after this one.
3 months later the twins were going strong, now open for lunch, and making their home made meatball. Jeff gives us one more sniffle as we head off into the sunset.